thousands are sailing
the same self the only self
self willed the peril of a thousand fates
a line of infinite ends finite finishing
the one remains oblique and pure
arching to the single point of
consciousness
find yourself
starting back
|
- |
where are
where are monsters in dreams
in dreams
2009-06-07 - Booted up (1511) 2009-06-06 - no sleep for the wicked x 3! (1510) 2009-06-04 - crushed (1509) 2009-05-02 - this little box is hard to fill (1508) 2008-03-03 - A lot of old feelings (1507) 2007-12-12 - Always surprised (1506) 2007-11-15 - Splashdown (1505) 2007-05-15 - Time goes too fast (1504) 2007-03-03 - It's march now (1503) 2007-02-21 - Just shameful (1502) 2007-02-05 - I bought my ticket just now (1501) 2006-12-24 - A lot of seconds (1500) 2006-12-14 - 1500 - 1 2006-12-13 - Friendship (1498) 2006-12-07 - Replacement boyfriend: Just add tears (1497) 2006-12-03 - High school (1496) 2006-12-03 - i need to sleep always kills me (1495) 2006-11-27 - I don't want to bother you (1494) 2006-11-26 - I'll lay down a tarp first (1493) 2006-11-22 - Divergence (1492) 2006-11-17 - who does that! (1491) 2006-11-10 - too many entries with "fucking" in them (1490) 2006-11-06 - Sunlight required (1489) 2006-11-01 - Clearly has too many feelings (1488) 2006-11-01 - Love you (1487) 2006-10-27 - Around, mostly (1486) 2006-10-24 - To a lot of people (1485) 2006-10-20 - Tired, but good, you know? (1484) 2006-10-14 - Six years (1483) 2006-10-13 - No appropriate title? (1482) 2006-10-10 - With a y in her name (1481) 2006-10-09 - Good times, good times (1480) 2006-10-07 - Unwholesome attraction (1479) 2006-10-04 - Alcohol and drugs (1478) 2006-10-01 - It's go-time (1477) 2006-09-27 - Maybe it's the tequila talking... (1476) 2006-09-25 - Continuity, again (1475) 2006-09-24 - I need to clean this place up (1474) 2006-09-23 - in a heartbeat (1473) 2006-09-20 - Autismal roots (1472) 2006-09-16 - fireballs! (1471) 2006-09-12 - phoo said the photo (1470) 2006-09-11 - 9/11 x 5 (1469) 2006-09-07 - Some changes around here... (1468) 2006-09-05 - Not Em, this time (1467) 2006-08-30 - Personal frustration (1466) 2006-08-28 - Elsewhere (1465) 2006-08-26 - This could go either way, really (1464) 2006-08-22 - Curse your inevitable betrayal (1463) 2006-08-21 - Starting tomorrow.... (1462) 2006-08-19 - i'm a huge failure (1461) 2006-08-18 - Momentary uncertainty (1460) 2006-08-18 - Up to no good (1459) 2006-08-17 - Words elsewhere (1458) 2006-08-11 - Cusp (1457) 2006-08-08 - One year later, same topic (1456) 2006-08-06 - There's always someone else (1455) 2006-08-06 - It's been nearly a year (1454) 2006-08-05 - farewell ungrateful traitor (1453) 2006-08-02 - Limitations (1452) 2006-08-01 - Course: uncertain (1451) 2006-07-27 - Tastes so sweet (1450) 2006-07-24 - Irresistable (1449) 2006-07-23 - Informative, it's not (1448) 2006-07-21 - Thank you for everything (1447) 2006-07-20 - Disguised intentions (1446) 2006-07-19 - Small, sweet failings (1445) 2006-07-18 - sordid, sordid (1444) 2006-07-16 - I love her, but I can do this (1443) 2006-07-15 - Fantasies (1442) 2006-07-13 - What day is it tomorrow? (1441) 2006-07-12 - Confidence (1440) 2006-07-11 - Kraken (1439) 2006-07-10 - Life goes on (1438) 2006-07-09 - Two weeks have passed (1437) 2006-07-09 - Mental battles (1436) 2006-07-07 - Horrifying revelation (1435) 2006-07-06 - Echoed limerence (1434) 2006-07-05 - It must be spring (1433) 2006-07-04 - Complications (1432) 2006-07-03 - Petulant (1431) 2006-07-02 - Endorphinium (1430) 2006-07-02 - 1429 (Clarity) 2006-07-01 - Quixtar (1428) 2006-06-30 - Erratic memories (1427) 2006-06-30 - pain (1426) 2006-06-28 - Chimeric dreams (1425) 2006-06-28 - Illusory progress! (1424) 2006-06-27 - They trickle away (1423) 2006-06-25 - Headrush (1422) 2006-06-24 - Planche (1421) 2006-06-23 - Cult-like (1420) 2006-06-22 - Mud waves (1419) 2006-06-21 - Stay and cuddle me (1418) 2006-06-21 - Meow, she said as I smiled (1417) 2006-06-19 - I will succeed (1416) 2006-06-17 - Echo in so much space (1415) 2006-06-16 - Light/dark (1414) 2006-06-14 - Keep your wits about you (1413) 2006-06-13 - You know I love you so (1412) 2006-06-12 - Loved beauty (1411) 2006-06-11 - ruptions (1410) 2006-06-10 - Diaryland banners make me angry (1409) 2006-06-09 - One day off (1408) 2006-06-08 - The Closet (1407) 2006-06-07 - Dreading work again (1406) 2006-06-06 - There'll be changes (1405) 2006-06-05 - Email anxiety (1404) 2006-06-05 - Please say you need me (1403) 2006-06-04 - Not going to happen (1402) 2006-06-03 - It's quiet tonight (1401) 2006-06-02 - Learning process (1400) 2006-06-01 - I'm learning (1399) 2006-05-31 - You know how I feel (1398) 2006-05-31 - This strange effect on me (1397) 2006-05-31 - Maintaining Dignity (1369) 2006-05-30 - Cycles in life (1395) 2006-05-30 - Change of plans (1394) 2006-05-30 - Humidity dulls eloquence (1393) 2006-05-29 - My fan fucking lied to me (1392) 2006-05-27 - Moments in time and space 2006-05-27 - This entry seems to be broken 1390 2006-05-27 - I like where this is going (1389) 2006-05-26 - explosive force (1388) 2006-05-25 - She was in Grade 11, for starters (1387) 2006-05-24 - Thinking alike (1386) 2006-05-24 - she won't miss me (1385) 2006-05-24 - unending bleakness (1384) 2006-05-23 - On my Own (1383) 2006-05-22 - And a big thank you (1382) 2006-05-22 - bed time now to rest that brain (1381) 2006-05-21 - homework in a sense (1380) 2006-05-21 - Foxes (1379) 2006-05-21 - I miss her more than sunshine (1378) 2006-05-21 - ***+++ Resolutions and endings (1377) 2006-05-20 - Contrition (1376) 2006-05-20 - learning experience (1375) 2006-05-20 - Even keel (1374) 2006-05-19 - 1373 - break up break down 2006-05-19 - (shame) 1372 2006-05-19 - i don't how this happened (1371) 2006-05-19 - I know better now (1370) 2006-05-13 - Event Horizon 1369 2006-05-11 - Missing you already. (1368) 2006-05-10 - limping to the end (1367) 2006-05-09 - THERAPY, YAY! (1366) 2006-05-08 - like clotted coffee grounds (1365) 2006-05-07 - tossing andf turning (1364) 2006-05-07 - sometimes I repeat things (1363) 2006-05-06 - Accelerants (1362) 2006-05-05 - smelling lithium (1361) 2006-05-05 - slope implosion (1360) 2006-05-04 - mouth love (1359) 2006-05-03 - It's time to leave (1358) 2006-05-01 - one-three-five-seven (1357) 2006-05-01 - gasping failure (1356) 2006-04-30 - Glibness (1355) 2006-04-28 - Who's your daddy? (1354) 2006-04-26 - UNSETTLED (1353) 2006-04-25 - bleary mundane 2006-04-24 - desucofnu (1351) 2006-04-21 - (1350) 2006-04-18 - These things just happen (1349) 2006-04-17 - jangled perceptions (1348) 2006-04-16 - Spring dawning 2006 (1347) 2006-04-15 - Missing her (1346) 2006-04-13 - EMILEMILLIE (1345) 2006-04-13 - Don't choke don't choke (1344) 2006-04-12 - oh damn it (1343) 2006-04-11 - Achingly close (1342) 2006-04-10 - heart clench (1341) 2006-04-09 - Cool breeze brushing warmth (1340) 2006-04-08 - A short play (1339) 2006-04-07 - Perforated sphere (1338) 2006-04-05 - Appropriately 1337 (1337) 2006-04-04 - Do you ever see me twitch? (1336) 2006-04-03 - Anti-psychotic (1335) 2006-04-03 - I like where this diary is going (1334) 2006-04-02 - Unutterable fourth (1333) 2006-03-31 - Illicit. (1332) 2006-03-29 - Division (1331) 2006-03-29 - Clarity (1330) 2006-03-29 - Ridiculous (1329) 2006-03-28 - Betrayer of Ideals (1328) 2006-03-26 - Vicsitude (1327) 2006-03-25 - Queen of Blades (1326) 2006-03-24 - scritching (1325) 2006-03-22 - Unappreciated vices (1324) 2006-03-21 - And they said e-gold was dumb (1323) 2006-03-20 - vvvortexxx (1322) 2006-03-19 - program glitches (1321) 2006-03-18 - fragmented history (1320) 2006-03-16 - It's late, says the parking ticket (1319) 2006-03-15 - anytime (1318) 2006-03-14 - heart-wrenching (1317) 2006-03-14 - appropriate (1316) 2006-03-11 - I need you so much closer (1315) 2006-03-11 - Stranger ideas (1314) 2006-03-06 - End times (1313) 2006-03-05 - Dying, dreaming (1312) 2006-03-03 - 10:59pm (1311) 2006-03-02 - Well put, theOnion (1310) 2006-03-02 - I'm nervous (1309) 2006-03-02 - this layout has to change (1308) 2006-02-27 - Where bones are glass (1307) 2006-02-26 - This is not what I had in mind (1306) 2006-02-23 - hmph (1305) 2006-02-21 - Homeland Security (1304) 2006-02-19 - Heartbreak (1303) 2006-02-17 - And I'm worse than I seem #2 (1302) 2006-02-11 - special (1301) 2006-02-08 - Conflict of Interest (1300) 2006-02-04 - This diary is about Kat (1299) 2006-02-03 - my only sunshine (1298) 2006-02-03 - Philosophy vs psychology (1297) 2006-02-01 - Vortex (1296) 2006-01-31 - This is just a moment in time (1295) 2006-01-29 - Wicked. 2006-01-27 - tick (1293) 2006-01-27 - Chronological desire (1292) 2006-01-25 - And long one out to left field! (1291) 2006-01-23 - This diary started too late (1290) 2006-01-22 - At least my blood is good? (1289) 2006-01-20 - revised (1288) 2006-01-19 - All right, enough stalling (1287) 2006-01-17 - Uh, hmm, well then. (1286) 2006-01-16 - A new entry!1!``! 2006-01-05 - The end is near (1284) 2005-12-23 - An undescribable sadness (1283) 2005-12-04 - Christmas tree lights (1282) 2005-11-30 - Stubborn (1281) 2005-11-23 - (1280) 2005-11-15 - (1279) 2005-11-12 - New plan (1278) 2005-11-07 - (1277) 2005-11-07 - Sadness (1276) 2005-11-04 - Answer (1275) 2005-11-03 - Bland (1274) 2005-10-26 - Pattern recognition (1273) 2005-10-11 - Thanksgiving (1272) 2005-10-09 - Whipped cream and chains (1271) 2005-10-07 - We shall turn this land to ash! (1270) 2005-10-06 - Unseasonably warm (1269) 2005-09-29 - (1268) 2005-09-24 - Purpose (1267) 2005-09-22 - Let's hope it was just a dream (1266) 2005-09-18 - Journey from nowhere in particular (1265) 2005-09-15 - The elaboration is unnecessary (1264) 2005-09-12 - Yearning (1263) 2005-09-10 - Status update (1262) 2005-09-08 - Life Failure (1261) 2005-09-07 - Achievement (1260) 2005-09-03 - Is "clothes" a valid word? (1259) 2005-09-02 - Late night reading (1258) 2005-09-01 - Tip of the tongue (1257) 2005-08-30 - Bad choices (1256) 2005-08-29 - Red pill (1255) 2005-08-28 - Two liters (1254) 2005-08-27 - Plow (1253) 2005-08-25 - CTF (1252) 2005-08-24 - Utilitarian (1251) 2005-08-23 - I may have just committed a crime. (1250) 2005-08-20 - Bone-tired (1249) 2005-08-20 - I lie to myself (1248) 2005-08-19 - Holding my breath (1247) 2005-08-17 - My heartbeat is quiet (1246) 2005-08-14 - Chain of events. (1245) 2005-08-13 - Strong weak weak strong weak weak (1244) 2005-08-12 - It's all connected (1243) 2005-08-11 - Everything in its place (1242) 2005-08-10 - After-effects (1241) 2005-08-10 - UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT! (1240) 2005-08-08 - Unexpected development (1239) 2005-08-07 - Shit, guys! (1238) 2005-08-07 - Choosing sides (1237) 2005-08-06 - The sun filtered through the leaves (1236) 2005-08-05 - Circumspect forbiddance (1235) 2005-08-05 - One two three four! (1234) 2005-08-04 - Reticence (1233) 2005-08-03 - Cheers! (1232) 2005-08-03 - She said, he said (1231) 2005-08-02 - To the point. (1230) 2005-08-01 - Ominous warning (1229) 2005-08-01 - It's like a moan and a grunt, kids. (1228) 2005-07-31 - Oscillating (1227) 2005-07-30 - Kalimdor is ours. (1226) 2005-07-30 - Forced entry (1225) 2005-07-28 - Soloing (1224) 2005-07-26 - Keeping my mind off of things (1223) 2005-07-25 - Pondering (1222) 2005-07-22 - I am full of screams (1221) 2005-07-21 - (1220) 2005-07-21 - Productive (1219) 2005-07-20 - Coal-tar mixture (1218) 2005-07-19 - 29,000 hits (1217) 2005-07-19 - Tight-lipped (1216) 2005-07-18 - The humidex is high too (1215) 2005-07-18 - That's gotta be it (1214) 2005-07-18 - Awe (1213) 2005-07-17 - 1212! 2005-07-16 - I DEFINITELY said something wrong (1211) 2005-07-14 - Persuasive force (1210) 2005-07-13 - Timber! (1209) 2005-07-12 - Gear shift #1 (1208) 2005-07-11 - HIJACKING (1207) 2005-07-10 - Need weapon (1206) 2005-07-09 - Like I could breathe acid (1205) 2005-07-08 - To the points (1204) 2005-07-07 - Well, ya see. (1203) 2005-07-05 - Insousciance (1202) 2005-07-04 - Corrupted file loss (1201) 2005-07-02 - Anti-climatic 1200th entry! (1200) 2005-06-26 - Sodium Hydroxide (1199) 2005-06-25 - DAMN YOU MEDDLING KIDS (1198) 2005-06-25 - Rebuttal (1197) 2005-06-24 - Impulsiveness +1 (1196) 2005-06-21 - Beginning of the end (1195) 2005-06-20 - Must... resist... (1194) 2005-06-19 - I don't have words (1193) 2005-06-18 - I'm depressing! (1192) 2005-06-17 - New plan (1191) 2005-06-17 - Flinching (1190) 2005-06-16 - Aphotic tidings (1189) 2005-06-15 - Boom! (1188) 2005-06-14 - Only worried through tension (1187) 2005-06-13 - Belonging (1186) 2005-06-12 - Firm assertion (1185) 2005-06-12 - Gasping through filth (1184) 2005-06-11 - And four to go (1183) 2005-06-09 - Three to get ready (1182) 2005-06-08 - Two for the show (1181) 2005-06-07 - One for the money (1180) 2005-06-06 - Gaia (1179) 2005-06-05 - FTW! (1178) 2005-06-04 - Want. Take. Have. (1177) 2005-06-03 - I'd rather be sleeping (1176) 2005-06-03 - A cautionary tale (1175) 2005-06-01 - Thrumming with foreboding (1174) 2005-05-31 - "Come alone" (1173) 2005-05-31 - Peach slices (1172) 2005-05-30 - "Lurkingly" (1171) 2005-05-29 - Mind the speedbumps (1170) 2005-05-28 - Grenade juggling (1169) 2005-05-27 - Sketchy proposition (1168) 2005-05-26 - Lay-ah (1167) 2005-05-25 - Damage Control (1166) 2005-05-24 - Wow, that's poor (1165) 2005-05-23 - Mind the falling glass (1164) 2005-05-23 - Continuity errors (1163) 2005-05-22 - Caution is required (1162) 2005-05-22 - A little unsettled (1161) 2005-05-21 - Meatbags (1160) 2005-05-20 - Not much to report (1159) 2005-05-19 - Headache at 2am (1158) 2005-05-18 - Failed claimants to the throne (1157) 2005-05-17 - I'm cleaning my room (1156) 2005-05-16 - Invitations (1155) 2005-05-16 - Pounding drums, pounding heart (1154) 2005-05-15 - mute (1153) 2005-05-14 - "Quick, Alex, get our pants!" (1152) 2005-05-14 - ...? (1151) 2005-05-13 - Plead the fifth (1150) 2005-05-12 - BEST. COMIC. EVAR. (1149) 2005-05-11 - How the? (1148) 2005-05-10 - I didn't get the job (1147) 2005-05-10 - I am blighted (1146) 2005-05-08 - Mediocre (1145) 2005-05-05 - Distant Lands (1144) 2005-05-04 - Empty and flat-lined (1143) 2005-05-03 - Cosmic alignments (1142) 2005-05-01 - Paypal, e-gold a go(1141) 2005-04-30 - Filthy Lucre (1140) 2005-04-28 - Money, cash, greenbacks (1139) 2005-04-27 - Albertan Terms of Service (1138) 2005-04-25 - Tiki hut scammers! (1137) 2005-04-24 - That completely exhausted hum (1136) 2005-04-23 - He's a cool cat (1135) 2005-04-22 - Like a ball of elastics (1134) 2005-04-21 - From angry to tired (1133) 2005-04-21 - Two essays, two exams (1132) 2005-04-20 - Imminent Doom (1131) 2005-04-20 - I'm a sell-out! (1130) 2005-04-19 - Calculus part 2 (1129) 2005-04-19 - Calculus (1128) 2005-04-18 - The layout is mostly done (1127) 2005-04-17 - TITLE Capitals test 2005-04-17 - THE TITLE IS TOO BIG(1125) 2005-04-17 - My organs move like a squirm of eels (1124) 2005-04-16 - Not a personal commentary (1123) 2005-04-16 - Call of Duty tips and tricks (1122) 2005-04-16 - SUCCESS! (1121) 2005-04-15 - WOOT! (1120) 2005-04-15 - Time to perform, genius (1119) 2005-04-14 - It's ironic that I'm putting this here (1118) 2005-04-13 - Hm, yeah that plan. (1117) 2005-04-12 - Non-productive day (1116) 2005-04-12 - It's 5:30, son (1115) 2005-04-11 - Plan of Action (1114) 2005-04-10 - Actually... (1113) 2005-04-09 - Twelve hours (1112) 2005-04-09 - Cast Page '05 (1111) 2005-04-08 - Charge! (1110) 2005-04-07 - One week?! (1109) 2005-04-07 - All the small moments (1108) 2005-04-06 - I want to do something productive today! (1107) 2005-04-06 - April 06, 2005 (1106) 2005-04-05 - Germans and Hugh Grant (1105) 2005-04-05 - Drastic actions must be taken! (1104) 2005-04-04 - I didn't know who it was at first (1103) 2005-04-03 - The Diaryland Connection (1102) 2005-04-02 - Positive particles (1101) 2005-04-02 - Diary of rejection +2 (1100) 2005-04-01 - A Dissertation on Ebullience (1099) 2005-04-01 - The red-haired girl (1098) 2005-03-31 - Resolution (1097) 2005-03-30 - I should stop waiting for coffee and cry alone (1096) 2005-03-30 - A polite request (1095) 2005-03-29 - I'm a weird kid (1094) 2005-03-29 - Props to SugarPixie (1093) 2005-03-28 - Motionless anger (1092) 2005-03-27 - Shameless hypocrite (1091) 2005-03-26 - How many nights have I spent here? (1090) 2005-03-21 - Reassuring, yet pointless (1089) 2005-03-18 - Tahoma Skies (1088) 2005-03-17 - One sob at a time (1087) 2005-03-16 - A mouthful of toothpaste (1086) 2005-03-15 - Cracked husk (1085) 2005-03-13 - A whomping good time (1084) 2005-03-11 - Un (1083) 2005-03-11 - Cheap drunk , part deux (1082) 2005-03-10 - Cheap drunk (1081) 2005-03-09 - Lonely conversation (1080) 2005-03-08 - The Obsidian Cleaver 2005-03-07 - Watch for knitting needles, haunted couches, and museums (1078) 2005-03-06 - Such a Late Goodbye (1077) 2005-03-05 - I offer acceptance (1076) 2005-03-04 - Watch out for flies (1075) 2005-03-03 - Councilling, homework, and life, ho! (1074) 2005-03-02 - The Internet makes you stupid (1073) 2005-02-28 - Huhn... (1072) 2005-02-27 - Someone get me Joe Cavallo's address (1071) 2005-02-27 - Wishing for Grand Central (1070) 2005-02-26 - Unattractive sickliness (1069) 2005-02-25 - Dinner (1068) 2005-02-25 - Stand clear: Trainwreck in progress (1067) 2005-02-24 - Reading Week > 50% (1066) 2005-02-24 - Pounding (1065) 2005-02-23 - Wideband transmission (1064) 2005-02-22 - Toxic waste and bleached bones (1063) 2005-02-21 - Knock knock (1062) 2005-02-19 - It's been real (1061) 2005-02-19 - Ionia Growth (1060) 2005-02-17 - Creamy thighs (1059) 2005-02-15 - Excelsior, the Mysterious (1058) 2005-02-15 - Aeria Gloris (1057) 2005-02-14 - Tense like a cable (1056) 2005-02-13 - Cotton eye Joe (1055) 2005-02-12 - I'm sober, really #2 (1054) 2005-02-11 - A married girl bought me drinks (1053) 2005-02-10 - Vacuum lips (1052) 2005-02-09 - Something with stun batons (1051) 2005-02-08 - Modulated (1050) 2005-02-07 - Contrition (1049) 2005-02-06 - DC'ed/PBF (1048) 2005-02-05 - Subluxation (1047) 2005-02-04 - Reserved Dogs (1046) 2005-02-03 - gender/sex (1045) 2005-02-02 - There are things I can't say anymore 2005-02-01 - "friends with benefits" (1043) 2005-01-31 - OW! (1042) 2005-01-31 - 2 years and 9 months (-1041-) 2005-01-30 - Kingston, Jan/2005 (1040) 2005-01-28 - SimCity 4 Rush Hour Crack Installation Problem Bittorrent (1039) 2005-01-27 - Needles... in... brain! (1038) 2005-01-25 - Corporate Whore (1037) 2005-01-25 - Parasite Eve Encore (1036) 2005-01-24 - Sleep you git (1035) 2005-01-22 - Kapwing! (1034) 2005-01-19 - Where the wind blows (1033) 2005-01-17 - Space Cowboy (-1032-) 2005-01-16 - The paragraps get longer, then short! 2005-01-15 - My night in six words (1030) 2005-01-14 - Some sort of justice (1029) 2005-01-13 - (1028) Feeling sort of defeated 2005-01-12 - I wonder why people post on GH 2005-01-11 - Typos bug me 2005-01-10 - Last Christmas weekend this year 2005-01-08 - Move north, now. 2005-01-06 - This isn't legal 2005-01-05 - Simplicity 2005-01-04 - It's nighttime! 2005-01-03 - wtfretorted 2004-12-30 - A literary photoalbum 2004-12-29 - Tomorrow might be -good- 2004-12-28 - Party party kyaaaah! 2004-12-26 - Boxing day surprise! 2004-12-25 - Merry Christmas everyone 2004-12-24 - My last day of being 18 2004-12-23 - Painfully apt 2004-12-20 - I roll twenties 2004-12-17 - Buy me a dictionary 2004-12-16 - Treiben ohne Schwerkraft 2004-12-11 - "then we kissed. with tongue." 2004-12-10 - Surprise! 2004-12-09 - (As an aside, I'm sad tonight) 2004-12-08 - /p shortdescription /p 2004-12-06 - December 6th 2004-12-05 - Like today, for instance 2004-12-03 - At least someone's keeping her warm 2004-12-02 - DDR songs (non-sequitered!) 2004-12-01 - Snow! Snooooow! 2004-11-28 - 1000e - Last rites 2004-11-22 - 1000d - Testament 2004-11-16 - 1000c - Crisis 2004-11-04 - 1000b - Lull in the entries... 2004-10-31 - 1000a - The Early Days 2004-10-28 - Kindred spirit 2004-10-27 - Two entries from a thousand 2004-10-26 - Calhoun, master of feminism! hurrah! 2004-10-26 - Tea leaves sounds peaceful 2004-10-25 - Eugoogly 2004-10-24 - Women's Issues and rainbows 2004-10-22 - Screeching, Halo, and the To-ma-to 2004-10-21 - what the hell??? 2004-10-20 - Assuaged 2004-10-15 - I like how she says my name 2004-10-14 - I should have gone to bed, eh? 2004-10-13 - Alcohol thesis 2004-10-12 - Hold me tight 2004-10-07 - Get it on Crazy Penis 2004-10-06 - In pursuit of 5% 2004-10-05 - Rage 2004-10-04 - panic panic panic 2004-10-03 - I need to get things in order 2004-10-02 - they really fly! 2004-10-01 - I checked! 2004-09-30 - I really hope those weren't premonitions 2004-09-30 - To whit 2004-09-28 - bottles and oceans (and random acts of kindness) 2004-09-26 - my chest feels empty 2004-09-25 - I'm thinking of need again 2004-09-23 - Another day gone by 2004-09-21 - Twiceborn 2004-09-20 - I should really buy those books 2004-09-15 - My reading's done, at least 2004-09-13 - Between Poli Sci and Philosophy 2004-09-11 - Calling, calling, spirits rising and falling 2004-09-08 - fshoom! Tea at 2 am! 2004-09-02 - I built a desk today! Twice! 2004-08-31 - It's my last day of work tomorrow 2004-08-29 - My room is dusty, too 2004-08-28 - stupid carpets 2004-08-25 - flitter flutter 2004-08-24 - but we won that one! 2004-08-23 - that son of a bitch 2004-08-22 - mephitic wallowing! 2004-08-20 - rattle rattle! 2004-08-17 - teleforeshadowing 2004-08-15 - Relaxation ahead 2004-08-13 - Duty calls! 2004-08-13 - email bliss 2004-08-10 - introspective mouth-breathing troglodites 2004-08-09 - The blood in my head 2004-08-06 - Things not to do at night... 2004-08-03 - of course, it's time for work now :( 2004-08-02 - Looking for a witty title 2004-07-26 - work is getting harder 2004-07-25 - i need more land! 2004-07-25 - runs off! 2004-07-19 - I thought no one else noticed that! 2004-07-18 - She's not good with this sort of thing 2004-07-17 - Sometimes, this is all I can think of: 2004-07-15 - snarl 2004-07-13 - Mm, hypnosis 2004-07-09 - Under construction 2004-07-07 - I'd need a good name 2004-07-05 - It was my first day at work today! 2004-07-03 - Erudite opinions 2004-06-28 - Cliché suspicion 2004-06-28 - Gotta love the timing 2004-06-26 - Prom Night 2004 2004-06-23 - UMS 2004-06-19 - Quixotic and lachrymose 2004-06-18 - This is my D&D group 2004-06-13 - Server overload 2004-06-03 - Coins, Ebola, Queen's, and Becky 2004-05-31 - chicken burgers and cuddling 2004-05-25 - Box 'o' writing 2004-05-24 - End of year homework 2004-05-24 - ohmygoodness 2004-05-23 - beer bad! 2004-05-21 - early friday bedtime 2004-05-19 - It's nearly 7 and I'm still useless 2004-05-19 - iPhoto cycle 2004-05-16 - my cd burner is slow 2004-05-15 - D&D threesome! 2004-05-11 - nearly... thursday 2004-05-10 - Juice hair 2004-05-09 - hurrah for child-rearing 2004-05-07 - roffle 2004-05-04 - oh no! :0 2004-05-03 - Blood test part 2 2004-05-02 - It was a good one too 2004-04-30 - Mid-morning rant 2004-04-29 - Happy Birthday Shawna 2004-04-28 - Bimbo huntin' guide 2004-04-27 - Career planning 2004-04-25 - Puppetgal 2004-04-24 - Creeping for hypos 2004-04-22 - Romantic death warrant 2004-04-21 - The big hand's on 120 and the little hand's on E 2004-04-20 - What, you didn't come? 2004-04-18 - Ah well 2004-04-17 - Dibbs! Entry postponed! 2004-04-15 - the many uses of msn 2004-04-11 - Dem bones 2004-04-05 - wrist-biting 2004-04-02 - tears for giba 2004-03-28 - d20Mod, CoC, 3.5E 2004-03-26 - Queens! Giba giba! 2004-03-25 - Diablo 2 update for Chris 2004-03-25 - Aaah Queen's 2004-03-19 - Six dozen! 2004-03-18 - Must... get... set... items... 2004-03-17 - Spending bonanza! 2004-03-13 - (clip clip) 2004-03-10 - Outsider 2004-03-07 - Chania is secretely a good actor! 2004-03-03 - Itchy itchy! 2004-02-29 - 9 questions (886) 2004-02-29 - Good day with Kat (885) 2004-02-27 - I thought I needed that (884) 2004-02-24 - Guestbook! (883) 2004-02-24 - Aquaphobia (882) 2004-02-22 - With a pickaxe! (881) 2004-02-22 - Classical conditioning fun (880) 2004-02-20 - Goddamn dream! (879) 2004-02-16 - Phwee-pawp (878) 2004-02-15 - Valentine's Day (877) 2004-02-13 - "and I'm worse than I seem" (876) 2004-02-11 - Just an ordinary day (875) 2004-02-10 - Depressed, the word (874) 2004-02-08 - Virgins (873) 2004-02-07 - Nihil cogitas (872) 2004-02-03 - A Kingston themed make-up entry (871) 2004-01-30 - People are strange 2004-01-27 - Semester two tomorrow (869) 2004-01-26 - Things that were productive (868) 2004-01-25 - Pondering Failure (867) 2004-01-24 - Myth 2 2004-01-21 - A short rendition of my life (865) 2004-01-20 - (864) 2004-01-18 - Evangeline, cyberpimp (863) 2004-01-17 - Prelude to tests, teamplay, and tobagganing 2004-01-14 - Best afterschool ever (cold outside!) 2004-01-12 - Pursuit of stimulation 2004-01-11 - A brand spanking new epiphany 2004-01-07 - I have a lot more to say, but no motivation 2004-01-06 - Flip a coin or something 2004-01-05 - I really have to start making entries earlier 2004-01-04 - Bare bones entry, but I'm going to bed 2004-01-02 - No foolin with Hamlet and rifles 2004-01-02 - Girls really can sleep with whomever they want! 2004-01-01 - 2004 2003-12-27 - A very very bad mood 2003-12-25 - Christmas time, Christmas time... 2003-12-21 - Happy Solstice, clings! 2003-12-19 - The Canterbury Assembly 2003-12-16 - Buffet Procedure 2003-12-14 - Snowblowing you off 2003-12-14 - And that's the problem Sha 2003-12-13 - ...curses 2003-12-12 - Bleeding, cannibalism, and King Steve 2003-12-11 - Undvater! 2003-12-10 - Ominous Horoscope 2003-12-09 - Lovecraft, Irritable, Anal Chem, bottom 2003-12-08 - Hyah! 2003-12-04 - Jason the Psychopath 2003-12-01 - MOHAA completion and bday preliminary 2003-11-30 - I have the Flu 2003-11-28 - It would be cool to be like BB 2003-11-27 - Nesquikky goodness 2003-11-25 - Pheremones, or something 2003-11-25 - Poll results and Vick(y or i) 2003-11-23 - Just the poll this time 2003-11-22 - Tom Clancy vs Token Black Guy 2003-11-21 - Cue-to-cue! 2003-11-21 - [grins] 2003-11-21 - I should compliment people more often! 2003-11-20 - Some race and gender musings 2003-11-19 - All right, enough of this 2003-11-19 - 'struth, 'tis Nietzch! 2003-11-18 - Maybe ICQ is better. 2003-11-16 - There was no drama 2003-11-16 - 64.230.69.105 2003-11-16 - Soup it up, Chuck 2003-11-13 - **The last few years quotes** 2003-11-13 - The Boss says: 2003-11-12 - Agh! My eyes! Aieee! 2003-11-12 - All we need now is choereography! 2003-11-10 - Holee gawd tipawgrafee 2003-11-09 - minimalist approach to mcgill 2003-11-05 - Tropico download time (hospital postman) 2003-11-04 - Carotenoid! 2003-11-01 - Halloween and such and such 2003-10-28 - "We are dumbasses" 2003-10-26 - Updating out of habit 2003-10-22 - anger hath my breath 2003-10-21 - gta 4 sophie! 2003-10-12 - A quick note to Corinna 2003-10-12 - hospital accompaniment 2003-10-11 - meat-packing 2003-10-05 - Blossoms, Royaa's party! 2003-10-04 - the mayor of sha-ville 2003-09-30 - eraser of love 2003-09-29 - 800 - the biggest problem 2003-08-24 - self-improvement, feelings, sex 2003-08-01 - worrying at the end of july 2003-07-28 - 75 times in one sitting 2003-07-22 - paaaaaiiinnnt 2003-07-08 - night on the town with leah and jess 2003-07-06 - helter-skelter sociopaths! 2003-07-06 - someone make me finish the layout :P 2003-07-06 - hardly quality time 2003-07-05 - Chris' bday party didn't cheer me up 2003-07-03 - on blue wings layout 2003-07-03 - super happy combination 2003-07-02 - Canada Day 2003-07-01 - oh boy, vampirism! 2003-06-30 - wonderfully done jon! 2003-06-30 - green bracelets 2003-06-28 - Grad 2003-06-27 - Prom 2003-06-26 - damn you ambrosia! 2003-06-25 - The Party, the cottage, crawling 2003-06-17 - AGH! CAR! Paintball request 2003-06-15 - yonder over under 2003-06-14 - Friday the fucking 13th 2003-06-13 - friday 13, mean alex, nice becky, etc 2002-06-11 - High school 2003-06-01 - (775) Ephemeral Dreams 2003-05-25 - 570? Oh I get it 2003-05-25 - hero in the rain 2003-05-22 - the hero 2003-05-20 - beatoff = homework 2003-05-18 - demons 2003-05-11 - broken dread 2003-05-11 - eye-popping orgasm 2003-05-05 - cool spring afternoon 2003-05-04 - iambs and death boxes 2003-04-23 - black pudding 2003-04-12 - winds of change upon spring dawning 2003-04-06 - leash! leash! wahahaha 2003-03-31 - annoying dreams! 2003-03-31 - spring break 2003-03-29 - nettles 2003-03-28 - tara? really? wow 2003-03-27 - sweet dreams in the icy water 2003-03-26 - D&D addedenda and alice cd 2003-03-24 - bouncy ball 2003-03-22 - diseased 2003-03-16 - 12 months and LAN party! 2003-03-11 - old entries and corinna-myou 2003-03-10 - it hasn't happened 2003-03-08 - Getting sick again 2003-03-04 - just breathe... another day 2003-02-26 - hurrah 2003-02-23 - moving props 2003-02-22 - a little sad-boo 2003-02-20 - monkeys chucking fricken dice 2003-02-20 - shape of a girl, bullies 2003-02-18 - stuffs, sick, etc 2003-02-18 - pox! pox! wahahaha! 2003-02-16 - dream start and 11 month 2003-02-14 - valentine's day 2003-02-13 - breathing life 2003-02-13 - electric cord beauty 2003-02-13 - it hurts enough to finish me 2003-02-12 - perfect dark with alex 2003-02-12 - half-meds and d&d report 2003-02-11 - sad because she wants nothing 2003-02-10 - insightful 2003-02-10 - one more step and... 2003-02-09 - a damned riot 2003-02-09 - nas ne dogonjat rage 2003-02-06 - d&d worries, sick jon 2003-02-05 - naked, massie, blood 2003-02-04 - starting another layout change 2003-02-03 - possible negativity change 2003-02-03 - Rage 2003-02-01 - Challenger explodes!!! 2003-01-30 - bad people 2003-01-30 - Run Boris! 2003-01-30 - i can't believe she did that and writer 2003-01-28 - weakness meds 2003-01-28 - all the things she said 2003-01-27 - no energy i guess 2003-01-26 - 30 and metaphors 2003-01-23 - dead end? 2003-01-23 - falling apart for nac, kat, and bio 2003-01-23 - dumb, dumb, dumb parents 2003-01-23 - shutupshutup [cries] 2003-01-22 - mac os x 2003-01-19 - nerdslut 2003-01-19 - 10th anniversary bliss 2003-01-16 - drama isu 2003-01-15 - thanks mr massie and nazi contraception! 2003-01-14 - finished english isu and david's couch 2003-01-12 - to do: write and sketch and play 2003-01-11 - sacriligous essay writing 2003-01-11 - I need to recharge 2003-01-10 - depression once more 2003-01-09 - sloth 2003-01-08 - NEWER CAST LIST 2003-01-07 - Comics 2003-01-06 - This is how we reproduce, I swear 2003-01-05 - guess where i'm going tomorrow 2003-01-05 - weak in the knees, shawisland 2003-01-03 - (#.Dungeons and Dragons.#) 2003-01-02 - why does that bother me 2003-01-02 - why do i keep writing freedom 2003-01-01 - 2003 2002-12-31 - ending, red, ecstacy, white death 2002-12-30 - run jon 2002-12-30 - aileen's, jordan's home 2002-12-28 - back hurting, stadium escapades 2002-12-27 - Diaryland whacked bvizatch! 2002-12-27 - Diaryland! 2002-12-27 - trauma and rape 2002-12-26 - sickening hope 2002-12-26 - long entry, the onion, reflecting 2002-12-25 - what did I miss? 2002-12-25 - christmas! 2002-12-24 - layout gifts, s'pht yellow, and it's late 2002-12-23 - new layout, electra, playlists, grade 9 2002-12-22 - 9TH ANNIVERSARY, ADRIANNA, MUSIC 2002-12-21 - valerian suicide, love, st laurent 1999-12-18 - house of the dead shenanigans 2002-12-17 - i'm sleepy and i have stuff to do 2002-12-16 - Bio isu preperation 2002-12-15 - scary war, pot luck fools, anna? 2002-12-14 - tense, tired, old quotes, so sorry 2002-12-12 - noobie and oops sorry chris 2002-12-11 - big letters 2002-12-08 - corinna was right about music 2002-12-08 - Independant studies ho! 2002-12-07 - i banish guilt-trips for her love 2002-12-05 - nevermind about offbeat 2002-12-04 - judo locker rooms and lack of purity 2002-12-01 - the devil's entry 2002-11-30 - corinna, forest green, memories 2002-11-30 - bitter LANs and personal space 2002-11-27 - running away to British Columbia 2002-11-26 - because of a gb entry 2002-11-24 - dagenais story and prattling mom 2002-11-24 - candy canes and Bob Dagenais 2002-11-23 - backstage party, icy wind 2002-11-22 - kat's dress and total annihilation 2002-11-20 - "Er, can you vouch for his sanity?" 2002-11-19 - backstage; splint, drinks, fingercuffs 2002-11-18 - dress rehearsal and je pompe la nerf 2002-11-17 - nothing went wrong and twice for me 2002-11-14 - alex got it, yay! 2002-11-13 - not quite hamlet! 2002-11-13 - resume, time for hamlet essay! 2002-11-11 - parental priorities 2002-11-10 - not good enough at all 2002-11-07 - [hugs] 2002-11-06 - just a stupid failure 2002-11-04 - i need sleep 2002-11-03 - yes, yes they are 2002-11-03 - almost morning earth day 2002-11-03 - Lan party again... do these ever work? 2002-11-01 - lucky one 2002-10-31 - the rocky horror picture show 2002-10-30 - We have costumes! 2002-10-28 - 10 000 views 2002-10-28 - sliced eyeball! 2002-10-27 - i wonder if she liked it 2002-10-27 - disappointment and i have to chase her 2002-10-24 - migraine and no fun 2002-10-23 - the dark mouse girl at billings bridge 2002-10-22 - i'm talking to ian, and then kat 2002-10-20 - study time 2002-10-20 - i know i haven't been accurate 2002-10-17 - breaking point 2002-10-17 - pathetic fallacy; it was really rainy and cold 2002-10-16 - the boy with the cuts on his arm was the calm one 2002-10-15 - i think i'll kill myself by injecting booze some day 2002-10-14 - cold love 2002-10-14 - thanksgiving happiness 2002-10-13 - i think she deserves better 2002-10-13 - i upset people because i talk to them 2002-10-13 - sexual four-hour entry 2002-10-12 - 2 really deep and me on her tummy 2002-10-10 - i beat medal of honor but who cares? 2002-10-09 - 9 to 12 times over 26 minutes... now she's dead 2002-10-09 - prepubescent sounds like a bug 2002-10-08 - this entry is too long to name 2002-10-07 - and sometimes I write the right thing 2002-10-06 - stalling me 2002-10-06 - so very fickle (this is the 3rd entry today) 2002-10-06 - i should have said i love you 2002-10-06 - a desire 2002-10-03 - disillusioned 2002-09-30 - writing again? 2002-09-29 - porcelain dreams 2002-09-28 - stay with me (6th anniversary) 2002-09-28 - to the bedroom! 2002-09-27 - stupid rare music! 2002-09-26 - sapping my resolve akt akt akt 2002-09-24 - chasing amy songs 2002-09-23 - sucker punches, geeky singing, key 2002-09-22 - she had sex before i was kissed! 2002-09-21 - i made my tumbling check! 2002-09-21 - i have to go 2002-09-19 - how about love 2002-09-19 - La vie Boheme 2002-09-18 - To bed and then offbeat 2002-09-17 - TRUTH 2002-09-15 - i wish kat had seen it with me 2002-09-15 - buffy the musical will forever remind me 2002-09-14 - chris' party, three people threw up 2002-09-12 - i can't scream in my nightmares 2002-09-11 - relative normalacy 2002-09-10 - chasing amy, this took an hour to write 2002-09-08 - i used to write long entries 2002-09-08 - depressed cowering 2002-09-07 - i ran away from anna and kat's party 2002-09-05 - crazier than a fox 2002-09-03 - roy peterson sung corinnacorinna 2002-09-03 - stitches for open wounds 2002-09-02 - ambiguous summer reflections 2002-09-02 - jordan came home then ran away again 2002-09-01 - happy 5th anniversary 2002-08-29 - ipod imac, naked cuddles, psychotic 2002-08-28 - key 33, phone-transmitted-depression 2002-08-27 - i thought you knew me better than that 2002-08-27 - england, sims music, story, people disappearing, 7% 2002-08-25 - %% new year's resolution %% 2002-08-24 - nothing important, kind of licorice 2002-08-24 - quotes page, no party, confidential 2002-08-23 - think stoned, party betrayal 2002-08-22 - why do rich people live in grafton 2002-08-19 - kat and i are so similar, a big tent 2002-08-16 - i'm going to crash a women's concert 2002-08-15 - i still don't get it, explain! 2002-08-15 - whoa, back up! 2002-08-15 - cockring, fours 2002-08-15 - self-destructive tendencies, change, haven't cried 2002-08-14 - juxtapostional URGH, males and females 2002-08-14 - i still smell like her 2002-08-13 - that still makes me feel silly 2002-08-13 - sodden witch, skeleton in the closet 2002-08-12 - panic attack, old days, sunshine & beauty 2002-08-11 - no parent cottage part 1 2002-08-11 - list of judgemental arbiters 2002-08-11 - hey nothing exploded 2002-08-11 - repair is not a good idea 2002-08-11 - I wish Jordan and David had been there 2002-08-07 - this diary is so going to only be about sex soon 2002-08-05 - porchlight, comics, radio, story, slut? 2002-08-04 - fourth anniversary 2002-08-03 - random happiness, dilbert, ie works 2002-08-03 - Trapped at Chris' 2002-08-02 - She thinks I've never used one 2002-08-02 - It's getting routine, and Kat's concussion 2002-08-02 - Jordan... suicide, greying over, shame 2002-08-02 - Mind partitions, pre-14, and won't admit 2002-08-01 - Blissful love with Kat 2002-07-31 - Redemption and Kitten fight a lot 2002-07-30 - COTTAGE!!! Kat crying? 2002-07-21 - Cottage life 2002-07-20 - pampered & sleepovers 2002-07-18 - false suicide, lack of tact, and you'll hafta wait 2002-07-16 - tears for lost (violated?) unicorns 2002-07-13 - Byron Walker 2002-07-13 - warcraft 3 and mtv downtowm 2002-07-11 - my huge gaping flaw 2002-07-10 - crashing anna 2002-07-10 - evil plan and kat needs glasses 2002-07-10 - new cast list 2002-07-10 - bernardStrauss' code 2002-07-09 - perfect dark ar-33 2002-07-09 - the purity test and kat-cuddles 2002-07-07 - How rampancy, Corinna, and a large beetle relate 2002-07-07 - Don't wake her just yet 2002-07-05 - Escape from fort dad 2002-07-02 - what? dad's? 2002-07-02 - Worthless entry? 2002-07-02 - Older entries page is complete 2002-07-02 - Much less traumatic Canada Day 2002-07-01 - Wonderful day with Kat and bad pics 2002-06-30 - Cats and chairlegs 2002-06-29 - Guestbook under contruction 2002-06-29 - Other page schemes 2002-06-28 - New pfhor design 2002-06-26 - A marathon look? 2002-06-25 - Beautiful mind and they're back from music 2002-06-25 - Lucidity (but a crazy computer) 2002-06-25 - Leela tells me to sleep 2002-06-25 - Resurrection! 2002-06-24 - Ephemeron and WarCraft 3 2002-06-22 - I'm only half awake (but not dead) 2002-06-22 - Oops, I should have logged in (Smythe road) 2002-06-20 - Physics exam 2002-06-19 - Massive celestial objects 2002-06-18 - BritneySpears? 2002-06-18 - Not to mention petty 2002-06-17 - AMBIGUOUS REFLECTIONS 2002-06-17 - Little kids and -*-Joe-*- 2002-06-17 - The music council office 2002-06-17 - Graduation breakups 2002-06-16 - Entry 500 (sex, Corinna, and Kat) 2002-06-15 - "What would you know about sex?" 2002-06-15 - No more jokes and why the rain saddens 2002-06-14 - The rain reminds me of past happiness 2002-06-14 - Cleaning the music room (freedom) 2002-06-13 - "Would you give alcohol to an alcoholic?" 2002-06-13 - I loathe humans 2002-06-12 - Avery's html genius! :D (and my pic) 2002-06-12 - Jess Humm 2002-06-12 - choochoo 2002-06-12 - And I have two summatives tomorrow! 2002-06-11 - Jon is making a cheat sheet 2002-06-11 - Wankers 2002-06-11 - Damned school 2002-06-10 - Alex Millman 2002-06-10 - Zoé Hurtubise 2002-06-10 - Jeff Pinck 2002-06-10 - D B 2002-06-10 - Kieran Humphries 2002-06-10 - Jason 2002-06-10 - Chris Longair 2002-06-10 - Multiple Personalities 2002-06-10 - Seasons by Ayumi Hamasaki 2002-06-10 - Feelings and words and yearbooks 2002-06-09 - "Does your mouth remember?" 2002-06-08 - Absurdly flirting 2002-06-06 - Now I missed 473!!! 2002-06-05 - -chan 2002-06-04 - Oops, I skipped number 468 2002-06-04 - A plague of punctuation! 2002-06-04 - Insane wahahaa 2002-06-04 - Skellies! 2002-06-04 - The very first entry quote 2002-06-03 - Time flying with Corinna watching 2002-06-03 - Aimless wandering, smiling at Cody and Byron 2002-06-02 - Harry Potter 2002-06-02 - Quotes, and Mr. Roboto 2002-06-02 - The last three days and Corinna showing up 2002-06-01 - Shallow quizzes 2002-05-30 - Michael Novotny 2002-05-29 - No more Physics project! [smiles edgily, tiredly] 2002-05-29 - Evil in my guestbook 2002-05-27 - Vai Vedrai and weekend plans? 2002-05-26 - Quidam 2002-05-26 - Corinna's Birthday 2002-05-21 - Corinna's bday is soon 2002-05-20 - Something killed D&D 2002-05-19 - Because I say my brother is a drugdealer 2002-05-19 - Offbeat is back 2002-05-18 - David's, then Jordan's, then Kat's 2002-05-17 - Drama thing finally finished 2002-05-17 - "But you are pretty! Really!" 2002-05-16 - If my skin was acid because of a drama review 2002-05-16 - People wonder why I don't like Joe 2002-05-15 - Melancholy poem 2002-05-15 - Not a catamite 2002-05-14 - I am Elwood P. Downes, so have fun offbeaters 2002-05-14 - Dammit listen to me 2002-05-13 - Double entry and jumpy thoughts 2002-05-13 - Grade 11 things that happened to me 2002-05-12 - An actual report on my weekend 2002-05-12 - Happy Mother's Day 2002-05-09 - I'm a girl :P from the Matrix! 2002-05-09 - (C)or-inn_a, Cordy, Kiki, Coca-cola 2002-05-09 - So her face is puffier 2002-05-08 - Be smart or be pleasant 2002-05-07 - The utter look of horror 2002-05-07 - Corinna takes over wherever she's fighting! 2002-05-06 - Beating red heart 2002-05-06 - It helps with the bitchiness 2002-05-06 - It was nice to hear from her again 2002-05-05 - Corinna can figure things out 2002-05-05 - And everything is better? 2002-05-05 - Megan and Earl, and dreams 2002-05-05 - A little bit of contrast 2002-05-05 - A long frustrated scream 2002-05-02 - Backgrounds that work again! 2002-05-02 - Serena is okay? :( 2002-05-02 - I want to be better than neutral 2002-05-02 - I want to be better than neutral 2002-05-01 - 5000 page views and Becky crisis 2002-05-01 - Almost 5000! 2002-04-30 - More voices 2002-04-30 - SpaceDanna 2002-04-30 - Nephrotic Syndrome and gay porn 2002-04-29 - Her email 2002-04-29 - Inner voices 2002-04-28 - Something I want to remember 2002-04-28 - A cloying smell 2002-04-27 - Gen from Saskatchewan 2002-04-27 - Long weekend 2002-04-25 - Oh, everybody knows? 2002-04-25 - Common Quizzes 2002-04-24 - Revelations 2002-04-24 - Happy Birthday Zoé! 2002-04-22 - Grr, parents are bossy 2002-04-22 - Saturday night fever 2002-04-22 - Quotes from Canterbury people! 2002-04-22 - Paranoid lucidity 2002-04-21 - Kat and Sandi 2002-04-20 - Becky bit me, and I'm bleeding 2002-04-18 - Drugs! :D 2002-04-17 - Oh, so it was a disgusting sandwich 2002-04-17 - Heintzan? 2002-04-17 - Codeine, so no lesson tonight 2002-04-16 - Phonology sex quotes 2002-04-16 - Honestly giving up 2002-04-15 - Corinna is happy, at least 2002-04-14 - An email for Corinna 2002-04-14 - Dreams of girls and quotes 2002-04-14 - "Stupid underwire" 2002-04-12 - Before the play 2002-04-10 - Gloves of lavender? 2002-04-09 - Preplay happy shopping 2002-04-08 - Improbability Factor! 2002-04-08 - Skin contact 2002-04-07 - The best AAS! 2002-04-06 - Yeah, I said Katherine. 2002-04-05 - The music room has a few dents in it 2002-04-04 - Becky Mardell 2002-04-04 - Alex Richards 2002-04-04 - Ironically. 2002-04-03 - Math partners 2002-04-03 - Moments involving KD 2002-04-02 - Maybe I'll just the shut the hell up 2002-04-02 - Yeah.. uh, sorry to be happy to talk to you. 2002-04-01 - Sleepovers shouldn't have sleep in them 2002-04-01 - Sleepover: Kevin Smith! 2002-03-31 - Whitecap 2002-03-29 - It's Friday, and Easter! :D 2002-03-27 - Physics 2002-03-27 - Contradictory feelings 2002-03-25 - Take a look at my hand if you don't believe me 2002-03-22 - Return - from the dead 2002-03-19 - Good bye... it's been real. 2002-03-19 - Experimentation hurts 2002-03-19 - Jeff and his sympathy, bah! 2002-03-18 - Well, not AAS exactly. 2002-03-18 - Pointless entry 2002-03-18 - Something, but I'm unhappy 2002-03-18 - Lunch? 2002-03-17 - Vodka 2002-03-16 - Musical Conversation 2002-03-16 - Damik 2002-03-15 - Monsters, am I in love? 2002-03-14 - When someone is better than me 2002-03-14 - Make Jon go crazy 2002-03-13 - samasamasamasamasamasama 2002-03-12 - Shawna, and two oddly similar girls 2002-03-12 - I would love to be that cat 2002-03-10 - Windy days 2002-03-10 - Sometimes staying up is a good thing 2002-03-10 - Yanick 2002-03-09 - To AAS we go! 2002-03-09 - Sleepykins 2002-03-08 - Hal 2002-03-08 - Lonely before March break? 2002-03-08 - Wengh, I'm cursed, boohoo! 2002-03-07 - Empty head on Thursday night 2002-03-06 - Tracho 2002-03-06 - Paul Strum 2002-03-06 - Betrayal, weekend style 2002-03-05 - "Kissy whore" 2002-03-05 - 3 months 2002-03-04 - Serenity? 2002-03-04 - Well, I don't want to say I told you so 2002-03-04 - Headaches from devil horns 2002-03-04 - Uncoordinated sadness 2002-03-03 - Tyler? Me? 2002-03-03 - Epiphany 2002-03-02 - Fireplaces... 2002-03-02 - Wow, I'm so glad I didn't scare you 2002-03-02 - Almost finished driving lessons 2002-03-02 - Descriptions of a talented writer? 2002-03-02 - PVPonline! 2002-03-01 - Robotics explanation 2002-02-28 - Website change!!! 2002-02-28 - You called me from Toronto? 2002-02-28 - I saved an angel's life 2002-02-28 - Depression is fleeting 2002-02-27 - Cutting shallowly 2002-02-27 - Lunchtime self-reflection 2002-02-26 - Cookies! Mm, cookieliscious. 2002-02-25 - Scary guys are mean 2002-02-24 - I, wow, them? Yikes... I guess that was inevitable 2002-02-24 - Olympics 2002-02-24 - Jess Larsen 2002-02-24 - Computer failure 2002-02-22 - That went from funny to depressing 2002-02-21 - I'll fix this later. 2002-02-21 - Little notes 2002-02-20 - Wow, there's a lack of foresight! 2002-02-19 - Note: Jess does not make me happier 2002-02-18 - Jess and Ian... 2002-02-18 - Well maybe things get better soon. 2002-02-17 - Dreams of a girl in Drama 2002-02-16 - Tummy girls 2002-02-16 - I like you n_n 2002-02-15 - hehehe 2002-02-14 - Valentine's! 2002-02-13 - Becky is a... 2002-02-12 - Beating up the long haired pretty boy 2002-02-12 - Sick again... worse... 2002-02-11 - Nameless pixies 2002-02-11 - Like an apology, though nothing is expected 2002-02-11 - Bacteria-induced hallucinations 2002-02-10 - I am very sick 2002-02-10 - Dawning comprehension 2002-02-09 - A bad Saturday 2002-02-09 - A bad Saturday 2002-02-08 - Doodahdoodahdoodahdoo, Immah supahgurl! 2002-02-08 - It's quiet and lonely on Friday 2002-02-08 - Out of my way? 2002-02-07 - Riyuu and Buru, sittin in a tree! 2002-02-07 - ...first real kiss on the lips... 2002-02-06 - Nice try, writer-boy 2002-02-06 - Things people say to annoy me 2002-02-06 - My speakers seem to be broken 2002-02-05 - Wah! 2002-02-05 - Soemthing I would've normally done 2002-02-04 - Hahahaha 2002-02-04 - Maybe I will be happy again 2002-02-03 - A bit of religious reality 2002-02-03 - Part A of Cast page is done 2002-02-03 - Okay then. 2002-02-03 - Back from Arion's, Kiki is aggravating 2002-02-02 - Rideau Center busing 2002-02-02 - Corinna shouldn't come to D&D 2002-02-02 - Quiet Resignation 2002-01-29 - regulated insanity 2002-01-29 - Two minute bellyshirts? 2002-01-29 - I love icq! 2002-01-27 - Save my soul Mahoro! 2002-01-27 - Ow! 2002-01-27 - Love is in the air 2002-01-26 - Losing it all 2002-01-26 - Chris' house with them in a closet 2002-01-25 - Leanne's post 2002-01-24 - Jess' diary 2002-01-23 - Yep 2002-01-21 - Chris... 2002-01-20 - Allesandro Colantonio 2002-01-17 - Thank you, and come back later 2002-01-17 - A little change of pace 2002-01-17 - Reason for this post 2002-01-17 - I stabbed in the eye! 2002-01-16 - Puzzling Statement Jan 15, 2002 - From my tech class 2002-01-14 - Grounded with no time to lose 2002-01-13 - She replyed... finally. 2002-01-13 - Say "hi" to Jordan for me 2002-01-13 - Cross-dressing on a girl's whim 2002-01-12 - Log of my death 12/01/02 - chingching 2002-01-10 - French essays 2002-01-08 - Brightened 2002-01-07 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME 2002-01-07 - Wishing for Arachnids? 2002-12-17 - Welcome to Fort Myers 2002-01-07 - Back from Florida 2001-12-16 - Freedom 2001-12-16 - Soon. 2001-12-16 - Why? 2001-12-15 - Final ending? 2001-12-15 - Snowball fights 2001-12-13 - Thursday mysteries! 2001-12-13 - It all worked out! 2001-12-13 - Good intentions? 2001-12-12 - Sure, whatever you say 2001-12-12 - Lucidity on IcQ 2001-12-11 - Infistemal debate? 2001-12-10 - Was it something I said? 2001-12-10 - Phantasms of the mind 2001-12-09 - Helplessness 2001-12-08 - A depression so deep that... 2001-12-08 - The Durance of Hate 2001-12-07 - Preia 2001-12-07 - Zoé said she'd hit me 2001-12-05 - (I've ruined?) 2001-12-05 - Some people are lucky 2001-12-04 - Music before Florida 2001-12-04 - Radial artery? 2001-12-03 - fgdf 2001-12-02 - What I've been doing for the past 2 hours 2001-12-02 - It's true 2001-12-02 - Anyone for some mild irony? 2001-12-01 - Hate is below zero 2001-12-01 - Things I shouldn't bring up so often 2001-11-29 - Contemptuous 2001-11-29 - Hehe, I win... 2001-11-27 - Saturday of contradiction 2001-11-25 - Tylenol 2001-11-24 - I wish 2001-11-23 - "friends" 2001-11-22 - Can you believe I have to give this to Leggat? 2001-11-21 - Girls are yucky 2001-11-21 - Secret Detractor 2001-11-20 - 200 days 2001-11-19 - This one's for you Geo 2001-11-19 - Where there are monsters in dreams 2001-11-18 - Hates me 2001-11-17 - Grafton's birthday parties 2001-11-16 - Mike, Becky, and Friday 2001-11-15 - Depressed after a good song 2001-11-14 - Parental Guidance 2001-11-13 - I told y... What the? It's raining tires! 2001-11-12 - Victim of a rubric 2001-11-12 - - 2001-11-12 - Alone and frightened 2001-11-11 - Non-existant day 2001-11-11 - Early morning silence 2001-11-11 - Running 2001-11-09 - Tastes like pennies 2001-11-09 - Remembrance 2001-11-07 - Disjointed! 2001-11-07 - Stating the obvious 2001-11-06 - Tears / Like mirrors of my soul/ Shattered 2001-11-06 - Nuclear Family 2001-11-05 - Invisible Aikido 2001-11-04 - I felt bad, then good, then worse 2001-11-04 - Haha! I'm the last one awake! 2001-11-03 - Someone randomly messaged me 2001-11-03 - RePpin - bLinG BLing bAbY 2001-11-03 - Gasoline 2001-11-03 - Picnic Tables 2001-11-03 - Quality 2001-11-02 - Bloody mice 2001-11-01 - Sickness in my head 2001-10-31 - You revolt me too 2001-10-31 - Hugs 2001-10-31 - Halloween 2001-10-30 - Alcohol 2001-10-30 - The above mentioned girl 2001-10-29 - Hehe, "Jon-chama" 2001-10-28 - No death for me yet 2001-10-28 - Game over 2001-10-28 - Vincent Valentine 2001-10-27 - Who was I just talking to? 2001-10-26 - The sad piano music 2001-10-26 - Things look better 2001-10-26 - Is it unhealthy? 2001-10-26 - Three and a half days 2001-10-25 - Ice 2001-10-25 - Complimentry 2001-10-24 - Break me 2001-10-24 - I'm a genius 2001-10-24 - It's best not to think of these things 2001-10-23 - A coherent stream of thought 2001-10-22 - In more ways than one 2001-10-21 - With vague salutations 2001-10-21 - SYSTEM ERROR 2001-10-19 - Um... thanks 2001-10-18 - I'm still resentful 2001-10-18 - Well, off to do Biology 2001-10-17 - Thanks, you idiots 2001-10-16 - Dead for Halloween 2001-10-16 - A clue in an important conversation 2001-10-15 - My life is a series of coincidences! 2001-10-14 - Happiness 2001-10-14 - "What codes? Answer the fucking question." 2001-10-14 - I think I'll run away for now... 2001-10-14 - Hello Katty (haha) 2001-10-13 - Recovery 2001-10-12 - The lowest entry ever... 2001-10-12 - Vroom 2001-10-11 - I hurt... 2001-10-11 - Absurdity 2001-10-11 - Funniest thing in the world... 2001-10-11 - And I have the best hiding place of all 2001-10-10 - The urge to build a nailbomb 2001-10-10 - em pleh 2001-10-09 - Really, really, really... 2001-10-09 - A moment of lucidity 2001-10-08 - Maybe 2001-10-08 - No doubt they're better off though 2001-10-08 - Your cruel irony 2001-10-07 - I don't have the courage to read the messages... 2001-10-07 - Well put 2001-10-07 - Thanksgiving 2001-10-07 - Followed by an awkward silence 2001-10-07 - Another reason the world is unfair 2001-10-07 - This makes no sense now 2001-10-06 - You don't really feel that much, do you? 2001-10-06 - The Song, hail, and lack of oxygen 2001-10-06 - Don't ask why 2001-10-05 - With lots of hugs and a general anti-Jon sentiment 2001-10-05 - How much does this Enos cost? 2001-10-05 - You're on your own 2001-10-04 - I'm sure I feel sorry for you 2001-10-04 - El Presidente, your friends left without you 2001-10-04 - The things I think about at 2am 2001-10-04 - Blame her 2001-10-03 - Too much Thanatos for you 2001-10-03 - Encryption 2001-10-03 - Who does? 2001-10-02 - February 13th 2001-10-02 - The morning after 2001-10-02 - WHOO! 100! 2001-10-01 - Last entry before 100! 2001-10-01 - Anyway, this is the 98th entry 2001-10-01 - Sluttiness isn't one of my strong points 2001-09-30 - And shameless plagerism too 2001-09-30 - I trailed off at the end 2001-09-29 - This isn't as out of context as I wish it was 2001-09-29 - Only five days? 2001-09-29 - Living in a fuzzy dream 2001-09-29 - Life seems unbearably tragic sometimes 2001-09-28 - But lots of other people were qualified 2001-09-27 - The dog was like, “Oh I so thought of that foo.” 2001-09-27 - Paralysis agitans 2001-09-27 - Something I should do more often 2001-09-26 - If it means anything to you... 2001-09-25 - Between a rock and a diary entry 2001-09-25 - That's rather ironic 2001-09-24 - Well, there's an idea! 2001-09-24 - Yes, I am going to school 2001-09-23 - A quick entry 2001-09-23 - Yeah, that was exactly what I wanted 2001-09-22 - Wir werden verdorben
2001-09-22 - It's your own life 2001-09-22 - "Can you let us go man? We already drank all the beer!" 2001-09-22 - I think I'm going to try and be happy from now on 2001-09-22 - Also, don't give advice. 2001-09-21 - Maybe you don't want me to get involved... 2001-09-21 - A case of laziness 2001-09-20 - Worrying 2001-09-20 - Alex, good luck! 2001-09-20 - Theme song 2001-09-19 - It's not how long the knife is; it's how deep you stick it 2001-09-19 - I think I lose 2001-09-19 - I want to be a big, carnivorous bug 2001-09-18 - They must be desperate 2001-09-18 - As continuous as a dotted line 2001-09-18 - Music 2001-09-17 - I'm sort of awake 2001-09-16 - Why you shouldn't click on links in Impertinent's diary 2001-09-16 - Jeff's birthday 2001-09-15 - I'm cold, sick, and dizzy (Another normal Friday night) 2001-09-13 - Biology homework and worn out 2001-09-12 - Why this is fubared, and blood... 2001-09-11 - SEPTEMBER 11 - May you rest in peace 2001-09-11 - Schedule of today's events 2001-09-11 - The Second Pearl Harbor 2001-09-10 - Short entry, with a guestbook! 2001-09-09 - **Not feeling because of the Dream** 2001-09-08 - In the soccer field 2001-09-06 - This isn't supposed to happen to me 2001-09-05 - The Cast 2001-09-04 - Shrek, school, color list 2001-09-03 - The transition will be smooth 2001-09-02 - Think different (or at least shut up) 2001-09-01 - 2pm 2001-09-01 - Last day of summer 2001-08-30 - Croutons 2001-08-29 - Augh, my nose! 2001-08-27 - Too tired for the movie 2001-08-25 - Pain 2001-08-23 - Time! 2001-08-22 - Sleep 2001-08-20 - Relationships 2001-08-19 - Back from the cottage 2001-08-18 - No reason for happiness 2001-08-16 - Hurt 2001-08-15 - I must sleep... 2001-08-14 - Push me... 2001-08-12 - Rambling: Vv is tomorrow, epilepsy 2001-08-11 - Lots of post-cottage stuff... not cool 2001-08-11 - So much to say 2001-08-05 - Cottage, here I come! 2001-08-04 - Amy's 2001-08-04 - Short once more 2001-08-04 - Damn it 2001-08-02 - Jumbled up 2001-08-01 - Pillow 2001-07-31 - Allergies and love 2001-07-30 - Quotes from CS 2001-07-29 - Oh my.. this is long 2001-07-28 - Dad & sleep 2001-07-22 - I hurt my toe 2001-07-22 - Corinna no read, and Jeff is back 2001-07-20 - Friday night (Lan Party) 2001-07-18 - her 2001-07-17 - From the NAC 2001-07-16 - Critical & little kids 2001-07-15 - Foggy 2001-07-08 - Despair 2001-07-07 - Reporting in 2001-07-04 - Family Intervention 2001-07-02 - Canada Day 2001-07-01 - Reverse psychology 2001-06-28 - Meeting Corinna Prior 2001-06-27 - Sleep 2001-06-26 - Late night reading 2001-06-25 - D&D, and being violated 2001-06-25 - Diablo 2, depression, and too many admirers 2001-06-24 - A story clip (Shawna) 2001-06-24 - The first entry! Oh, and a bit on death.
|
go back
#$&..-## (here?)
the eldars
we are alike, you and i
delve into consci#%$#
Find the right way down through the maze, to the food, then find the exit. Push the exit button. If the food tastes awful, don't eat it, go back and try
another way.
They want the same thing that you do, really, they want a path, just like you. You are in a maze in a maze, but which one counts? Your maze, their maze, my
maze. Or are the mazes all the same, defined by the limits of their paths?
Existence is simple: find the food, push the button, hit the treadmill.
But sometimes it gets much harder. Sometimes the food makes you sick, or you can hear nearby feet racing you, urging you on. Sometimes the button only gets
you landed right back in the beginning of the maze again, and the food won't satisfy.
There is only one path and that is the path that you take, but you can take more than one path.
Cross over the cell bars, find a new maze, make the maze from it's path, find the cell bars, cross over the bars, find a maze, make the maze from its path,
eat the food, eat the path.
the hard path of thought
[o..s%^^66
(k33)oee.*
your former self destroyed
the dreaming way is eased
down to the crushing center
and spared the dance of forever
Seven hundred and sixty one armless and legless corpses float inconspicuously around the inside of hangar ninety six. I say that they are inconspicuous
because it is their arms and legs which demand my attention. I did this, or I could have stopped it. Which is it? It doesn't matter now. I did this and
could have stopped it, but nothing in nature ever follows a gaussian curve. Sure, they'll tell you that it does. They say that every five minutes someone
dies in a car accident, but how often are there seven hundred and sixty one armless and legless corpses in one hangar?
the way grows
dim
hungry chaos lurks behind the
bright corona
dream ahead beyond the falling path
a billion S'pht lie yet unborn
our own death foretold
your dark mind cutting through
the deeping sky
another time
another time
I'm back in the hangar again, but now they are all screaming at me. Their arms and legs are no longer attacting my attention. It wouldn't be so bad if they
were talking, but they aren't. They could talk, too. They aren't screaming in pain, but in protest. They don't miss their arms or their legs. They all
agree on one thing, they won't give me the satisfaction of hearing them talk, and I'll never forget their screaming, pointless and wordless, without justification.
(I did this and could have stopped it.)
steps that falter fail
time beyond loss
loss behind the screen of life
not held
not forgotten
not lost
unlost found
stay the hard way
dark dreaming carries all
I'm getting sick of coming back to hangar ninety six, but there is no avoiding it. This is what my existence needs. My existence is the demise of many
others' arms and legs. The world is not a good place, nor is there innocence for me to hide in. Seven hundred and sixty one pairs of eyes look around the
room aimlessly, and mine join the crowd. I see these bodies, massacred, immobile. For all the carnage here, the stench of decay is non-existent.
I try to turn away. The hangar spins but nothing moves, and my view is the same. I look, but don't see any sanitation workers, for that matter, I haven't
seen the guys in suits since they disappeared from my hallway.
"Well, there was this knife, more aptly described as a broadsword, and I see, well, I was swinging down the street on my way to a movie and this guy, yeah.
He was about six foot eight and huge. He was holding this knife, only to me, I would describe it as a broadsword, something from the Knights of the Round.
Before he can even open his mouth, he collapses. Meanwhile, I can barely lift a finger to put the toupee back on his glossy head because I'm shaking so
much.
He was vomiting and I knew that he was alive because he kept saying something like 'durability' between convulsions. What happened next was really bizarre.
Both ends of the street flood with black-suited men, just like in a movie.
These men look tough and pissed off, the eyes behind their sunglasses are probably cold as my hands are getting. I feel like my heart has stopped, I'm so
damn scared. As they start to inundate the street in black, they move with one will.
I figure that I'm dead anyway, so I reach down for the blade. The blade is being covered by his vomit, but the hilt is clean. I can hear the men getting
excited, but I can't stop. My fingers slide around the leather hilt which is oddly cold...
I'm in the same street, and as I reach into my pocket for my keys, my eyes follow the blackened streaks of gum that pock-mark the sidewalk. The man is gone,
and someone in sanitation cleaned up the aparitions and vomit in a real hurry. I hurry down the stairs heading for the subway, but my keys aren't in my
pocket anymore. I'll have to get in through the side window.
The subway station is very bright and shining from the sanitation team that has been sweeping a swath in front of me. The concrete floor is losing years of
tarnish, keeping only the protective layer of the gum streaks which make up constellations in an otherwise vacant sky.
The train arrives right on time, and just ahead of a mass of dark suited men who have been following me for what seems like years now. Between the
sanitation and the suits, I must be going colorblind, but the train is here now, and those men, no, they won't catch me...
I should stop talking out loud, everyone on the train is looking at me now. I must have gone farther than I wanted because everyone here is different than
me. Why should they care that I'm talking, some of them are talking and about fairly irrelevant things. 'The ends justify the means.' 'Where the is no
justification, there is no end. There is only means.' I thought that they were looking mean, but they were only talking.
The noise in the train crescendoes as the train comes into a station, this station is lined with black suited men, and behind them I can see the pantomime of good and evil continue with the sanitation workers trying to mop the black suits off the sunglassed and toupeed men who are not resisting at all.
Indeed, they have nothing to worry about. They can just cling to the constellations of gum, there is nothing the sanitation workers can do about that.
Its all just human nature, we don't fit onto the curve, either. Simply, there is no curve, our science is approximation, good guessing.
The suits are going to get me this time, but I'm lucky. I have my keys in my pocket now, and I'm opening the other subway door...
I step in silently, and as is the ritual, I block the door with my bicycle and set the traps on the windows. Damn no way that anyone is getting in here
without adequate warning. I figure that there is time now to take a good look at this knife that has caused me so much grief and to miss the movie that I
was heading for but can't remember the name of.
Its not unusual, plastic about the length of my forefinger. It has two blades that open in both directions, one is a short and the other long. The long one
is pretty dull, and the short one is quite sharp. Enough about the knife.
The door opens up, and the bicycle falls over. One of these suited guys is standing in the doorway, impassive and immobile. I'm not scared until I see that
the hallway behind him is filled with his clones. I turn over the handle of the knife, and give it a bit of a nasty grin...
My room is empty now, the men in the hallway are gone, replaced by the subtle odor of amonia destroying the bacterial rancidity of half eaten double
helixes. On a plate on a table facing me is a simple arangement of carrots and asparagus built up like a log cabin.
A candle in the center of the round table is illuminating the edges of the cabin, a distant volcano throwing the light of nature. Around the edges of the
flame is the face of a woman who is talking to me about subjects that I should know all about. For just a minute I think that the flame is a living metaphor
for her soul, then I go back to thinking her one of the other manic statues, arms, legs, and mouths that move and mimic without purpose or understanding.
Hundreds of bacteria eating off the sidewalk, fighting for procreation. I am disconcerted when I see her turning the knife over in her hands, checking its
weight and proportions, and I tell her so.
Startled, she puts the knife back on the table to rest under the volcano which erupts in a flow of wax racing a torturous path onto the blade. One pulse of
wax is followed by another as she turns the conversation towards our relationship. "Durability" is what she keeps saying. The word 'durability' and our relationship.
I reach over for the blade, and my fingers extend around the hilt. Again I am impressed by a chill. The wax comes off the blade with a simple scrape of my
forefinger. "Durability" I say in response.
I feel a nervous chill run down my spine as I look up from the knife. My eye stops first on my plate, then on the wax pool which is solidifying around the
edges, and finally on the face of this mysterious woman. She isn't trying too hard to look around the candle and neither am I. The candle flame makes a
perfect line between the center of both of our heads. I laugh at the geometry of the moment, and thinking that I am laughing at her rhetorical comment she
giggles in response.
I am getting nervous because her voice is carrying some emotional baggage with it, now. "Ever since you bought me that chewing gum, on a lark, I've been in love with you."
Sure, my response might have seemed a little cryptic, "If there is no justice, then how can the ends justify the means? Take that wax, for example, (I've
started to ramble on now just like on the subway, and she is looking at me with that same look of hostility, bordering on the old familiar meaningless
uncommunicative scream) when the candle was lit, did it know that in the end it was going to burn down to nothing and disappear into the air? You lit the
candle to get the light from it. Your end was to have my asparagus and carrot cabin lit by this light. You used the candle as a means to obtain this. Does
the light justify the destruction of the candle? What is justification to a piece of wax? Its the same as the justification that you've given me about this
'durability' and our relationship."
By this time, she had moved her face out of the line that the candle and the centers of our heads made, and she was looking down the aisle of a movie
theater. This is an odd fact because she never sits in the aisle seat when we go to the movies. Her head falls to the other side, landing on my shoulder.
Her disinterest in the movie becomes apparent when she begins to discuss our relationship in a loud whisper
I'm just as nice to my girl as the next guy, but I'm a little bored by now of all this talk, so I start to look around the theater without moving my shoulder
too much. The back of the head in front of me reminds me of the guy from the street, the one who made me miss the earlier show of this movie. Only now,
he's wearing a pair of sunglasses, and he's got his toupee back on.
I look behind me, and so it seems that the guy in front of me is the vanguard of sunglassed movie goers who all seem very interested in whispering and
looking around. They remind me of a field of black tulips flickering back and forth in a howling wind. Their whispering picks up intensity, blurring out
both their own speach and the voices in the film, until all at once my girlfriend mentions her ongoing rant-word 'durability'. "What is it with you and
durability," the theater goes quite with the last sylable of the word.
Well, I'm a little bit nervious again; it's time to leave. I'm sure that the movie isn't over. Everyone in the room starts to mimic my behavior, all the
suits reach for their stuff at the same time that I do. Only my girlfriend seems unperturbed.
I wonder how far this will go, so I reach under my seat, find a piece of gum, and drop it under my tongue. Mind you that this gum was under the seat for
countless generations of movie fans. Sure enough, all these suits have done the same thing and are chewing on their own hardened bits of gum arabic. I
almost start to laugh when they all simulataneously hurl up their masticulons covering them almost immediately with their black vinyl shoes which as
impossible as it would seem, flatten the ageless gum into smears which will never be removed from this already gum-smeared floor.
It doesn't seem so funny, now, because I notice that the pattern that the gum makes on the floor is in the shape of the summer constellations, and that each
suit sits on a pulsar pounding out its vibrant message across the lightyears and across the theater to my head: "Durability." I wish my girlfriend would know
when to keep her mouth shut.
The dialog in the movie seems unimportant, and I decide that its time to leave. I tell her so, but she doesn't seem to hear me. Her mouth is chomping
wildly on some gum, and between masticulations, she begins to tell me again about 'durability'. I lean back and slide my hand into my pocket, feeling for
the knife.
"Nice knife," repeats some snot nosed little brat.
I look into his face, and he sniffles. Those eyes look like a cat's eyes holding either universal understanding or nothing, whichever I decide. Right now
his eyes hold nothing. We dance the double helix and make way for a sanitation worker pushing a wheeled bucket with his mop to the place where some other
snot-nosed little brat recently used another brat's fist to exchange his running boogers for blood that spread in splatters and smudges over his hands and
the floor.
The bloody boy and his one-fisted compadre had already been removed for corrective discipline by one of the controllers, our life-long friends wearing
sunglasses. Here at school, they only seemed interested in bleeding noses, broken arms, measles, and sharp thrown objects. Otherwise, they remained
impassive statues with feet grown into the anaesceptic environment in which they stood, needing as little attention as a plain white column in an all white
room
It seems odd to me now looking back at them, or looking at them again at any rate, that they only reacted to our feces, blood and agony. Responsive only to
distress, anger or misbehavior. But this was explained to me that day, even though I didn't understand it until now.
Am I surprised when the sanitation guy teaching that day turned his narrow slanted eyes in my direction and says what I've been hearing from the stars for
years it seems, 'durability'. He mentions discipline and art, discipline is that which lets us practice our art. Durability of our abilities and disipline
of our skills. We must need learn how to reproduce what we do and how we do it. He explains that the artist is more free to act when discipline has taught
him his skills and limitations.
~old
~imes
my old Pthia, lost, vacant, doubt
chaos, overpowering, underwhelming
two forces in balance
ancient endless balance
then nothing
Things have gone terribly awry. Until now,
I thought myself immortal, but now I know
that is not true. There are things that
can destroy me with the ease that I
slaughtered the Pfhor naval garrison and
the Western Arm of their Battle Group
Seven. But in their final gasp they used a
weapon that I thought they had retired,
even Tycho tried to keep them from using
it.
Now I fear what that weapon has unleashed
will destroy us. I once boasted to be able
to count the atoms in a cloud, to
understand them all, predict them, and so
did I predict you, but this new chaos is
entirely terrible, mindless, obeying rules
that I don't comprehend. And it is hungry.
It's too bad, perhaps if I could have
delayed the Pfhor from using their weapon,
I could have sent you to explore the ruins
of Lh'owon, perhaps what you found would
give us the answers that we now need so
desparately: how to stop this chaos, the
purpose of the station on which you're
currently standing, and why the chaos
hasn't come here yet.
But with each moment the chaos grows, I am
doomed to die here, after so many triumphs.
I have detected one ship nearby, which I
can only guess is being commanded by Tycho.
The Pfhor have entered the station, and if
you can find a way onto their ship, you may
be able to escape. To escape. To escape.
I am Arther Frain, Chief Petty Officer, USEC Marathon.
Arther Frane calling all USEC personnel
Calling Cmdr. Robert Blake...
Calling Security Chief Jones...
Arther Frain calling any USEC controlled ship in vicinity...
Station hull breached, we are losing pressurization. More than half the men are without vacuum suits. Patrols reporting intruder, last location unknown.
Any USEC controlled ship surviving nova event, transport when ready.
Arther Frain calling.
Please respond... please...
That is all..
The trih xeem broke against my dying vessel and smashed a fine patina across the mystery shields of this station. My crew battled the aliens during the
blast, and thesilence which came after was sullen and deafening--the pure silence of victory.
But the trackless whisper chattering through the hollow space in these cursed walls buzzes and threatens madness. The abomination cracked the shells of my
crew and sucked the husks, tossing them unseen and shattering the spindle like a dried creche.
The shields are gone, not down, but gone, and so are the engineers. It's coming back, I'm sure: and my last mercy is immolation.
Great Mother crouched behind the Throne, I make this wrong right.
CONNECTION TERMINATED
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