tense, tired, old quotes, so sorry 2002-12-14 ( Enter your search terms Submit search form Web murk.diaryland.com

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The event that didn't quite happen.

[sighs]

I've had a headache and a really tense neck all night. I miss Kat.

So stupid lack of games, of apathy.

I guess I'll just absolve myself of any blame concerning my group's presentation. It was doomed from the start, thanks to argumentative group members. I don't even really want to go in early. Ugh.

I want to belong, more than anything else, I guess.

Chris hit me really hard. There are two places that really scare me when I'm hit there, for various reasons. Silly conditioning. Silly abuse.

There are a lot of things that really scare me. Terrify.

I helped Mr Young with his marking yesterday, because I wanted to help. Or to belong. Or to be thanked.

I miss Kat, and I'm tired and stressed. Bed time.

It hurts more than I let on.

I don't think I've ever cried in Drama class before. Or at least no specific occasion is coming to mind.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high... there's a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby...

Falling asleep, safe in someone's arms, is wonderful. Waking up in their arms, and still feeling protected, is really nice too.

And as for my "Ugh. Jon and Kat." comment, the ugh was interpreted incorrectly by everyone I think. It's not so much anger or being displeased it's more what happened to my relationship with Jon when Kat came around. He became a different person. -Corinna

I can't help wondering if I've really changed that much... have I? What was this war all about? This constant attrition. -Myself, same day

But I was suddenly very upset by Jon sending me this tonight:
In any case, I'm glad you're busy trying to clear the big mess you made of things. And yes, most of this is your fault. Don't try to get out of it. You don't seem to have the whole picture, or you didn't when you made some judgements. It's nice to see you trying to fix things.
Fuck you. -Corinna, April 15

I can't ask Corinna to be my friend. I've done way too much to hurt her over the period of time that I've known her. I'm sorry for standing up to you, when maybe it wasn't my place to and when I really wasn't aware of what you were doing. -Myself, same day, minus 3 hours

'You're incredible. Really, I mean that literally, no one would believe me if I talked about you. They'd think I was kidding. Life's so weird.'
"Are you saying being weird is a bad thing?"
'I'm saying it's a beautiful thing.'
"You're so pretty."
'Are you saying being pretty is bad thing?
"I'm saying it's a beautiful thing."

I guess everything worked out?

I'm going to burn for what I did to Corinna. Among other things.

It was visible everywhere. In my sketches, in my stories, in my personality. The love-borne plague. It was so close to the perfect friendship that it undid itself, like it had no right to be so good.

I don't think Corinna will ever be able to forgive me; and if she somehow can, I doubt I'll be able to forgive myself.

I have a single scar, on my arm, where I sawed into my arm with a knife, while on the phone with Kat, awhile ago. It carries a significance, a reminder of the curse I am to people who care about me.

Nine months.

The closest I ever came to killing myself was at the cottage last summer. Kat stopped me.

I think that's when I realized it wasn't fair to leave without working off my debt to everyone.

I don't think I'd write a note. I just wouldn't know what to say.

This entry is much longer than I originally meant it to be. I'm tired, and trying to get some things off my mind.

I'm so sorry Corinna... and Kat. Everyone.

Tylenol, freezers, email...

"Remember - the eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine." -- Rick Simon

Sleep.

Jon.out