Splashdown (1505) 2007-11-15 ( Enter your search terms Submit search form Web murk.diaryland.com

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I stopped taking my medication recently.

I'd forgotten what it feels like to want to die, to feel it welling up like warm suffocating water.

My eyes feel blurry. I feel warm, especially in my head. Everything I think about seems to lead down these dark trails. It just leads to the inescapable conclusion that I'm not good enough. I'm failing everything, everyone.

Is this it? Is this all I have to choose from? A life of medicated anxiety, of anger, of lack of focus, of hearing my heart beating in my ears every day, every second; or my second option, misery. That's what it feels like, standing in warm quicksand, slowly sinking, trying to keep others from getting pulled down with me.

They're here, in my head, and I can hear them. The hope I had, the feeling of a warrior striding towards my destiny, shield up and face to the sun, is gone. The sun is gone, the mud is deep, and my armor is so heavy. I want nothing more than to just lie here and for it to be over.



Long phone conversation. I feel better and worse.